Sunday, May 22, 2011

Protip: Dating

          Tonights blog entry features a celebrity posting in the form of a song. It started with a very casual Saturday, drinking for every train that passes by, Ferndale style. After about 2 dozen beers the creative juices really started to flow and my friend decided to tell us about a date he had went on recently, in a song.

Cheers, Enjoy!

Devan The Punisher: My Date

Friday, May 20, 2011

Protip: The Illusion Of Being A Baller

          As I write this I am enjoying a McDonald's double cheeseburger, 32oz sweet tea, and an order of western fries from RoFo. Why you might ask? Because, shit's expensive and I had a coupon for a free order of western fries from the newly renovated Royal Farms down the street. I also had a book of coupons from McDonald's 8 of which are for free sweet teas. So, I spent $1.27 on the double cheeseburger (yes, 20 cents is worth the extra slice of cheese), do I feel really fat about it? Yes. Did I instantly regret the 1,000 calorie decision the instant I shoved the last western fry down my food hole? You fucking betcha.
          So, Why go through all this trouble to eat cheap? Feel terrible? Because, being a baller isn't cheap. Rather, giving the illusion of being a baller isn't cheap either. Ladies, if your out at the club and a random guy brings you a drink, depending on how cute the guy is, you might just take the shot and be on with your night right? OK, now imagine you notice a guy who has a few bottles and a private table near the dance floor, CHA CHING! Jack pot, right? I mean, let's face it... Student loans are pretty expensive, and your not ready to work the day shift on Saturdays at your local rub and tug strip club. So, you make some flirty eye contact and the guy brings you a shot, after all, he's pretty slanted himself and you look like a solid 7 tonight because of the combination of alcohol coursing through his veins and lack of lighting in the establishment.
          Wait, you think that I might be speaking from experience? Me? No... Well... OK, fine... You caught me. So here it is my latest guide on how to give the illusion of being a baller.

Step 1) Update Your Wardrobe / Grooming

Step 1) Identify the source of the problem (The Pledge). For this example we take a photo of my friend Kris (left) and some Amish looking hippy (right) who will be a perfect candidate for this example.

Step 2) Ask your gay friends for advice (The Turn). They are literally the best people in the world. They are great for fashion advice, they make the best wingmen, and they will boost your self esteem by constantly hitting on you. They will very likely give you the business card for their hair stylist out of their designer wallet and advise you to go to express, or better yet, take you on a shopping spree. Don't over look this resource! Unfortunately, they'll never read any of step two because they'll be too busy looking at the photo I picked for this step.

Step 3) HOLY FUCK THAT AMISH HIPPY HAS A 97% FACIAL MATCH UP WITH DAVID BECKHAM (The Prestige)! You doubted step two didn't you?

          OK, now that your all cleaned up and look the part. It's time to move onto the next chapter in this guide on how to perform the illusion of being a baller.
          Typical bottle service at most clubs will start at around $150 a night with some of the better tables typically being $250-300. Now, if you and a few friends pitch in $50 dollars this can be easily accomplished for about what a typical bar tab for a fun night, might be. Of course, as usual, I have pictures for examples.

Cheers, and happy hunting.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Protip: Pre-washing Dishes

          I love cooking, but, I hate washing dishes. It's my least favorite thing to do after working hard to make a good meal. So, I decided I would create a guide on how to clean dishes with little effort!

Step 1) Acquire dirty dishes

1a) I opted to make a steak, egg, and cheese breakfast bowl (watching the carbs). This is sure to create the most caked up nastiness possible to my pan.

1b) Purchase a pre-cleaning device! I prefer dogs, they think most things are edible and the littlest things are treats. If I make a breakfast sandwich for myself and give my roommate a small corner of it, he'll just tell me to fuck off. Also, note the look in this animals eyes, the wilder the look the better for our next step!

That's right, that furry wild pre-cleaning device you just acquired thinks your actually giving it a treat. If you let it pre-clean long enough, it will actually clean the whole damn dish spotless!
 <-- Look at the way the tongue really gets into the pores of the skillet. (*WARNING* you should let the skillet cool or your pre-cleaning device may become attached to skillet)
 <-- Sometimes I use large soup bowls because they have lids and travel easy. Your new pre-cleaning device really knows how to get in there all nice and deep like.
1d) Fuck yeah! Clean dishes!
At this point I prefer to throw them in the dish washer for one last cleaning. But, if your shameless go a head and use them now. They're good to go!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Puppy Vs. Boat Vs. Myself

          There are a million little moments in your life that lead you up to this very moment. This moment, for me, is 12:13 in the morning on a week night, and I have to wake up in a few hours to get ready for work. I am 25 years old, I work a very respectable job, and I am at the beginning of my career with no where to go but up. So, things are in fact exactly where I want them to be.
          Let's rewind exactly 1 year ago, almost to the day, I just paid off my car and I all of a sudden have an extra 370 dollars a month to play with. This is an amazing amount of income to recover when your a recent college graduate living paycheck to paycheck and trying to keep up with the Jones's. So, I must decide... What do I do with all of this extra income? Let's review my options:

Option A) Save!

Pros: You are $50,000 in debt and wasted a $15,000 inheritance on school, cool gadgets, and a spring break trip to Mexico.

Cons: Your in your mid 20's, recently single, and why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

Option B) Adobt A Puppy!

Pros: You live in a very "Yuppie" part of town and everyone owns a dog, chicks love puppies, and how could a girl turn down a guy who adopted a puppy from a rescue who was abandoned on the side of the road in South Carolina.

Cons: Psh, what con's can there be? It's a fucking puppy!!
I mean, I guess they cost like 100 bucks a month right?


Pros: It's a god damn boat, look up the prices, you can totally finance a sexy ass bow rider for under 370 a month + make the insurance payment. Chick's love bow riders. They're fun, and you've lived within 4 blocks of the water your entire life. THIS is the right fucking choice.

Cons: The two best day's of your life are the day you buy your boat followed by the day you sell it. I know this, I've been on the water my whole life. But, let's not forget. It's a fucking boat, and living in Baltimore Maryland, having a boat is like having a 18" penis.

          So, what choice would you make? A year later, let my sensible advice be, save. $370 a month to start crushing at your student loans and credit card debt will go a very long way in helping you get the down payment to buy a house. Which, allows you build equity, credit, and get the other things you want in life sooner.
          What choice did I make? Let's reflect on what moment I am at in my life right now. It's now currently 12:40 in the morning, I started writing this up about 30 minutes ago because that's when my dog finally decided to lay down and go to sleep. Puppies grow up eventually, and girl's don't like them as much when they're not tiny and cute. I love the little guy and he means the world to me (man's best friend), but, make sure your ready to dedicate your life to them. They need lot's of attention, they eat stupid stuff and they cost a lot more than you might think. Wait until you have the house, the boat, and some help around the house because I spent many sleepless nights running a 7lb puppy down the steps as he's squirting out poop. Yes, the potty training years can be gross. Also, you never know what kind of puppy you are going to get. Mine is the crazy, half retarded runt of his litter. Now, he's really not all that bad. He lose's hair like crazy, still has accidents in the house, bites ankles, has really expensive tastes in food, and requires the latest in bandanna fashion.  I mean, look at these photo's:

In closing, I wouldn't trade my choice in for the world (or even a boat), I think the juice will be worth the squeeze eventually. We've had great times, go camping, etc. But, wait until the wife and kids for the dog. Get, the boat. (Then take me and my dog out on it)