Protip: The Illusion Of Being A Baller

          As I write this I am enjoying a McDonald's double cheeseburger, 32oz sweet tea, and an order of western fries from RoFo. Why you might ask? Because, shit's expensive and I had a coupon for a free order of western fries from the newly renovated Royal Farms down the street. I also had a book of coupons from McDonald's 8 of which are for free sweet teas. So, I spent $1.27 on the double cheeseburger (yes, 20 cents is worth the extra slice of cheese), do I feel really fat about it? Yes. Did I instantly regret the 1,000 calorie decision the instant I shoved the last western fry down my food hole? You fucking betcha.
          So, Why go through all this trouble to eat cheap? Feel terrible? Because, being a baller isn't cheap. Rather, giving the illusion of being a baller isn't cheap either. Ladies, if your out at the club and a random guy brings you a drink, depending on how cute the guy is, you might just take the shot and be on with your night right? OK, now imagine you notice a guy who has a few bottles and a private table near the dance floor, CHA CHING! Jack pot, right? I mean, let's face it... Student loans are pretty expensive, and your not ready to work the day shift on Saturdays at your local rub and tug strip club. So, you make some flirty eye contact and the guy brings you a shot, after all, he's pretty slanted himself and you look like a solid 7 tonight because of the combination of alcohol coursing through his veins and lack of lighting in the establishment.
          Wait, you think that I might be speaking from experience? Me? No... Well... OK, fine... You caught me. So here it is my latest guide on how to give the illusion of being a baller.

Step 1) Update Your Wardrobe / Grooming

Step 1) Identify the source of the problem (The Pledge). For this example we take a photo of my friend Kris (left) and some Amish looking hippy (right) who will be a perfect candidate for this example.

Step 2) Ask your gay friends for advice (The Turn). They are literally the best people in the world. They are great for fashion advice, they make the best wingmen, and they will boost your self esteem by constantly hitting on you. They will very likely give you the business card for their hair stylist out of their designer wallet and advise you to go to express, or better yet, take you on a shopping spree. Don't over look this resource! Unfortunately, they'll never read any of step two because they'll be too busy looking at the photo I picked for this step.

Step 3) HOLY FUCK THAT AMISH HIPPY HAS A 97% FACIAL MATCH UP WITH DAVID BECKHAM (The Prestige)! You doubted step two didn't you?










          OK, now that your all cleaned up and look the part. It's time to move onto the next chapter in this guide on how to perform the illusion of being a baller.
          Typical bottle service at most clubs will start at around $150 a night with some of the better tables typically being $250-300. Now, if you and a few friends pitch in $50 dollars this can be easily accomplished for about what a typical bar tab for a fun night, might be. Of course, as usual, I have pictures for examples.

Cheers, and happy hunting.